Na co mi to było? Jestem ekshibicjonistką.

Po co ci ten blog? Jak możesz rozmawiać na taki temat z obcymi ludźmi? Czemu wywalasz swoje życie prywatne na facebookową tablicę?

Bo lubię. Bo chcę. Bo czuje, że powinnam. Witajcie, nazywam się Kasia i jestem ekshibicjonistką. Zanim zaczniecie mnie oceniać dajcie się wytłumaczyć.

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Tak, wiem, że ekshibicjonizm to “stan, w którym jedynym lub preferowanym sposobem osiągania satysfakcji seksualnej jest demonstrowanie swoich narządów płciowych lub aktywności seksualnej (np. masturbacji) obcym osobom – zazwyczaj płci przeciwnej –, które się tego nie spodziewają”. Natomiast daleko mi do takich stanów, sytuacji i objawów. Jednak zdecydowanie chwalę się, żale, prowadzę monologi, ale i konwersacje publicznie na temat tego co dzieje się u mnie w życiu. Dlatego jest to pewien rodzaj ekshibicjonizmu, choć prywatnie uważam, że przemyślanego i ograniczonego. Bowiem nie chwalę się tym co obecnie jem, może dlatego , że mało jem albo nie mam takich potrzeb. Nie wrzucam również do sieci swoich nagich zdjęć, uważam, że to co najmniej niestosowne. Nie spowiadam się również ze swoich potrzeb fizjologicznych i tego typu podobnych. Aczkolwiek, dzielę się swoim życiem zawodowym, wrzucam zdjęcia z projektów przy, których pracuje. Zdarza mi się opisywać relację z przyjaciółmi i znajomymi. Kiedy, teledysk bądź słowa piosenki opisują stan, w którym się znajduje również udostępniam to publicznie. Jak jest mi źle, mówię, że jest mi źle i zawsze znajdą się ludzie, dzięki, którym już nie jest mi źle. Z racji mojego zawodu, moja tablica facebooka jest jak to mówią moi znajomi tablicą ogłoszeń. Ale, skoro to działa, to czemu nie? Jeśli wiem, że ktoś potrzebuje pomocy, krwi, czegokolwiek najpierw sprawdzam źródło, a potem udostępniam to, aby inni też pomogli.

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Jeżeli jednak chodzi o bloga, to prowadzę go od 10 lat. A pamiętniki piszę od 10 roku życia i uważam, że to najfajniejszy sposób na zatrzymanie wspomnień. Pierwsze pamiętniki wyglądały mniej więcej tak, że pisałam: „Właśnie wstałam, idę na pole, bawiliśmy się w bazę, Patryk rzucił we mnie gałęzią, wszystkie dziewczyny noszą stanik“. Natomiast nawet nie wiecie jak można się teraz po 15 latach przy tym uśmiać. Potem był pierwszy blog, który nazywaj się bodajże ‚słodziutka14‘ , wrzucałam tam teksty piosenek, wierszy, opisywałam sytuacje w szkole i z kolonii. Tam były moje pierwsze miłości, zawody, rozczarowania i uśmiechy. Następnie tak wkręciłam się w tę miłość, że założyłam kolejnego bloga ‚szukajacmilosci‘ ciekawe czy myślałam, że tam ją znajdę czy co. Nie mniej jednak byłam cholernie monotematyczna i marzyłam o wielkiej miłości. Później jeszcze było parę innych, w sumie chyba 4, aż powstał ‚jaknieteraztokiedy‘. Od zawsze miałam jakąś nieodpartą potrzebę wyrzucania z siebie tego co mnie boli, bawi i o czym marzę. Zawsze też lubiłam do tego wracać, dawało mi to jakieś poczucie zatrzymania wspomnień i naukę na przyszłość. Tak czy owak, czuję się z tym dobrze.

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Moja mama zawsze chowała w sobie emocję, o wielu rzeczach, które ją bolały nie mówiła. Nie chciała, bowiem zadręczać innych swoimi problemami, zwłaszcza że uważała, że jej problemy są małe w porównaniu z innymi. A ja wiem, że one były największe na świecie. I takim sposobem pewnego dnia miała wylew. Nerwy i stres spowodowały osłabienie organizmu. Były też oczywiście inne przyczyny. Natomiast pamiętam, że lekarz powiedział wtedy , że trzeba wyrzucać z siebie negatywne emocje, dzielić się nimi, pokazywać radość i łzy. Mama wyszła z tego wylewu cudem. Nie ma, bowiem żadnego uszczerbku na zdrowiu. Nawet lekarz stwierdził, że takie rzeczy zdarzają się raz na milion. Od tej pory mama okazuje wszystkie emocje. Bez względu na to czy, to złość, ból, zmęczenie materiału, rozczarowanie, ale i radości, szczęścia i pozytywne momenty w jej życiu.

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Ta sytuacja utwierdziła mnie tylko w przekonaniu, że nie robię nic złego, że nie odstaje od normy, że jakoś sobie radzę. To jest mój rodzaj ekshibicjonizmu. Jeśli go akceptujesz to fajnie. Jeżeli jest Ci obojętny, to też fajnie. Jeżeli Cię złości „wyłącz mnie online“ i wyrzuć z życia. Proste jak sznurek w kieszeni.

Bo właściwie czy robię coś złego? Czy krzywdzę kogoś?

 

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Komentarzy: 41

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